deep sighs
goodbyes
blurry eyes
I will not forget you
though I might one day stop remembering
I will not forget you.
please don't forget me
though I know you will move on
carry on, carry on
there is healing as we go
I too will sigh
and wipe my eyes
and carry on
but I will
never
be the same.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Sunday, August 3, 2014
the bleeding woman
longing to experience a power strong enough
to heal hopelessness
to transform lies into truths
to inspire courageous actions
to overcome all hesitations
to dismantle stubborn insecurities
to fill in all the
empty
spaces
to heal hopelessness
to transform lies into truths
to inspire courageous actions
to overcome all hesitations
to dismantle stubborn insecurities
to fill in all the
empty
spaces
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
reviving the tradition...maybe
It's been years since I've written in an online journal. years and years. but I've been feeling the itch lately - and so now I might experiment a little.
I feel a lot of feelings these days. being a children's therapist, joining and walking alongside with kids and families who are struggling emotionally, relationally, economically, has been no cake walk. it gets to me some days, a lot. sometimes what gets to me most is the privilege that it is to be privy to such meaningful details of people's lives, thoughts, feelings, longings, fears, anxieties. I'm sometimes blown away by what I get to do, by the resilience I see, by the honesty and courage that I get to bear witness to, by how, by some mystery, I am allowed in. But sometimes it hurts, feeling so limited in how I can help, or feeling worried that I really can't help. it's been such a process of learning to trust in the Lord to do the deeper work, and to just invite Him into my artless (but not heartless) efforts. a process very much still in process.
so here I am, trying to rediscover an old coping skill: typing up my feelings. trying to somehow convert angst and longings into words on a screen so that I can process what is running through my heart and mind in an external but reflective way, one in which I don't have to worry about overburdening someone with my feelings or questions, but where if someone wants to know or wants to talk to me about something, they can, and are welcomed to... because in the end, nothing can replace the power of a face to face, heart to heart or whatnot. but I think that the process of gathering my thoughts, of trying to carefully choose words that can capture something on my heart that I'm not quite ready to just converse about, has merit for somebody like me. so here I am. at least for the moment.
I feel a lot of feelings these days. being a children's therapist, joining and walking alongside with kids and families who are struggling emotionally, relationally, economically, has been no cake walk. it gets to me some days, a lot. sometimes what gets to me most is the privilege that it is to be privy to such meaningful details of people's lives, thoughts, feelings, longings, fears, anxieties. I'm sometimes blown away by what I get to do, by the resilience I see, by the honesty and courage that I get to bear witness to, by how, by some mystery, I am allowed in. But sometimes it hurts, feeling so limited in how I can help, or feeling worried that I really can't help. it's been such a process of learning to trust in the Lord to do the deeper work, and to just invite Him into my artless (but not heartless) efforts. a process very much still in process.
so here I am, trying to rediscover an old coping skill: typing up my feelings. trying to somehow convert angst and longings into words on a screen so that I can process what is running through my heart and mind in an external but reflective way, one in which I don't have to worry about overburdening someone with my feelings or questions, but where if someone wants to know or wants to talk to me about something, they can, and are welcomed to... because in the end, nothing can replace the power of a face to face, heart to heart or whatnot. but I think that the process of gathering my thoughts, of trying to carefully choose words that can capture something on my heart that I'm not quite ready to just converse about, has merit for somebody like me. so here I am. at least for the moment.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
things I've learned in 2009
2009 was a very full year for me, so I thought it'd be good to try to think through and articulate some of the lessons I've received in this past year.
1. Forgiveness can't fully happen until you've let yourself feel the weight of the hurt, anger, sadness or whatever it is you've felt from being wronged. If you try to "forgive and forget" before letting yourself truly feel, that person/those people/that event/those emotions will always have a hold on you and you won't really be able to let it go.
2. On that note, it's really okay to be mad, frustrated, sad, etc. It really is. Trying to talk yourself out of those feelings isn't helpful for you or anyone else. You can't deal with something while also denying its existence. And don't deny the existence of negative emotions. Your feelings matter. They're trying to tell you something, so pay attention.
3. Relationships that are able to persevere through hardship and differences are fueled by God's grace. In fact, they have God written all over them.
4. Growth can only happen when you take risks. Taking risks also means giving yourself room to make mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes. Actually, get used to it, because you will make mistakes. Lots of them. But you don't have to freak out about this, because God is in the business of making masterpieces out of broken pieces.
5. God heals and redeems. He really does. He is willing to touch all of those areas in your life that seem untouchable, unchangeable. There is Life in His touch.
6. Growing up and changing for the better is hard work. This can be exciting and terrifying simultaneously.
7. Time to laugh and play is SO important. Growing up doesn't mean you have to let go of all of the good parts of being a kid.
8. Lattes taste the best with soy milk.
1. Forgiveness can't fully happen until you've let yourself feel the weight of the hurt, anger, sadness or whatever it is you've felt from being wronged. If you try to "forgive and forget" before letting yourself truly feel, that person/those people/that event/those emotions will always have a hold on you and you won't really be able to let it go.
2. On that note, it's really okay to be mad, frustrated, sad, etc. It really is. Trying to talk yourself out of those feelings isn't helpful for you or anyone else. You can't deal with something while also denying its existence. And don't deny the existence of negative emotions. Your feelings matter. They're trying to tell you something, so pay attention.
3. Relationships that are able to persevere through hardship and differences are fueled by God's grace. In fact, they have God written all over them.
4. Growth can only happen when you take risks. Taking risks also means giving yourself room to make mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes. Actually, get used to it, because you will make mistakes. Lots of them. But you don't have to freak out about this, because God is in the business of making masterpieces out of broken pieces.
5. God heals and redeems. He really does. He is willing to touch all of those areas in your life that seem untouchable, unchangeable. There is Life in His touch.
6. Growing up and changing for the better is hard work. This can be exciting and terrifying simultaneously.
7. Time to laugh and play is SO important. Growing up doesn't mean you have to let go of all of the good parts of being a kid.
8. Lattes taste the best with soy milk.
Friday, July 17, 2009
I'm a porous mess sometimes
quick to feel anxious, panicked
slow to catch the emotions as they
leak all over you
all over us
drowing out progress
communication
unity
everything I want for us to have
yet everything
I seem to get in the way of.
if only to stay calm, collected
cool, dry
would figuring things out
flow along more seamlessly?
could dealing with uncertainty
be embraced
instead of feared?
how do I go about learning
how to hold it all together?
maybe my first priority
needs to be
to let myself be held
by the One who
will never turn away from me
as my weaknesses, insecurities
pour out.
for there, I am safe
there, I cannot hurt you
or exasperate you.
as trust and acceptance reign
fear and anxiety will be quick to dissolve.
Lord, please
with Your healing love
fill in the holes
fix the leaks
heal the emotions
that I may be a blessing
that I may be centered on You
on what is true, important
and to have clarity
on what is worth getting worked up about
and what is not.
quick to feel anxious, panicked
slow to catch the emotions as they
leak all over you
all over us
drowing out progress
communication
unity
everything I want for us to have
yet everything
I seem to get in the way of.
if only to stay calm, collected
cool, dry
would figuring things out
flow along more seamlessly?
could dealing with uncertainty
be embraced
instead of feared?
how do I go about learning
how to hold it all together?
maybe my first priority
needs to be
to let myself be held
by the One who
will never turn away from me
as my weaknesses, insecurities
pour out.
for there, I am safe
there, I cannot hurt you
or exasperate you.
as trust and acceptance reign
fear and anxiety will be quick to dissolve.
Lord, please
with Your healing love
fill in the holes
fix the leaks
heal the emotions
that I may be a blessing
that I may be centered on You
on what is true, important
and to have clarity
on what is worth getting worked up about
and what is not.
Monday, April 13, 2009
God really is so cool...
Today at work I happened upon a very interesting conversation - one of my coworkers (one of the lead therapists) is a Christian and was ranting to two others about how she is really frustrated when she hears about how pastors will tell their church members that they should be content even when something bad is happening to them, and how the general idea that a good Christian should be happy all of the time is so frustrating, and how people have condemned her for the work she does.
Sometimes I forget the amazing things God has taught me about himself, and in moments like that I am so grateful to know what Jesus is really about...I just feel so deeply grateful to have a relationship with God who is so not like what a lot of churches make Him out to be, to serve a Lord who embraces me in my humanness and brokenness, who would never expect that I be happy 100% of the time. I love that He is SO real...I love that Jesus understood and understands that people have problems, that they have all kinds of needs, and that life is hard. I love that the church is a community of believers that all sin and struggle and cry and mess up and try and sometimes fail, that it is meant to a place for being real and for healing, and not for pretending everything is okay. Although I'm definitely tempted to keep things superficial sometimes, I'm so grateful that that's not how they're meant to be.
God is so good. I wanted to write this down here so that I'd be able to be reminded of this when I forget, which I'm prone to doing. It is so good to know Jesus.
Sometimes I forget the amazing things God has taught me about himself, and in moments like that I am so grateful to know what Jesus is really about...I just feel so deeply grateful to have a relationship with God who is so not like what a lot of churches make Him out to be, to serve a Lord who embraces me in my humanness and brokenness, who would never expect that I be happy 100% of the time. I love that He is SO real...I love that Jesus understood and understands that people have problems, that they have all kinds of needs, and that life is hard. I love that the church is a community of believers that all sin and struggle and cry and mess up and try and sometimes fail, that it is meant to a place for being real and for healing, and not for pretending everything is okay. Although I'm definitely tempted to keep things superficial sometimes, I'm so grateful that that's not how they're meant to be.
God is so good. I wanted to write this down here so that I'd be able to be reminded of this when I forget, which I'm prone to doing. It is so good to know Jesus.
Friday, April 10, 2009
fast cars & hot women
why are people okay with this association? with all of the craze behind movies like "fast and the furious" and games like "grand theft auto" I can't help but wonder. and sometimes, thinking about it can make me feel really angry.
a couple of weeks ago while waiting in line at CVS, my eyes were flooded with copies of the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated that were on display for everyone and their mothers and their little children to see. I'm still wrestling with what kind of emotional response is healthy for me to have in a moment like that. that day, the anger came quickly, and I wanted to yell, not at or to anyone in particular...women are NOT a sport, women are NOT something to possess, women are MORE THAN THEIR SEXUALITY, women are MORE than bodies. so much more.
the women/models/actresses who allow (no, invite) themselves to be objectified...I don't know how to feel about them either. a desire for holiness and purity can get mixed up with all sorts of envy and hatred and resentment pretty quick, towards women I don't even know...fallen, broken, lost women, just like me. do they not understand what they're doing? to others, to themselves?
I don't want to feel so grieved or angry like this for the rest of my life. but it can be so upsetting, so easy to feel hopeless. we as a culture, as people, are so far from where we're supposed to be.
sometimes I really do long for heaven. this oppressive mess can be so emotionally and psychologically tiring. when I'm "strong" enough to not feel emotional about things, it seems more like I'm just not engaged with it, nonchalant, passive. how to be engaged, concerned, yet at peace, humble, joyful? Lord, show me your heart in this. show me how to be me in way that is honoring to you. help me to cling to hope.
a couple of weeks ago while waiting in line at CVS, my eyes were flooded with copies of the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated that were on display for everyone and their mothers and their little children to see. I'm still wrestling with what kind of emotional response is healthy for me to have in a moment like that. that day, the anger came quickly, and I wanted to yell, not at or to anyone in particular...women are NOT a sport, women are NOT something to possess, women are MORE THAN THEIR SEXUALITY, women are MORE than bodies. so much more.
the women/models/actresses who allow (no, invite) themselves to be objectified...I don't know how to feel about them either. a desire for holiness and purity can get mixed up with all sorts of envy and hatred and resentment pretty quick, towards women I don't even know...fallen, broken, lost women, just like me. do they not understand what they're doing? to others, to themselves?
I don't want to feel so grieved or angry like this for the rest of my life. but it can be so upsetting, so easy to feel hopeless. we as a culture, as people, are so far from where we're supposed to be.
sometimes I really do long for heaven. this oppressive mess can be so emotionally and psychologically tiring. when I'm "strong" enough to not feel emotional about things, it seems more like I'm just not engaged with it, nonchalant, passive. how to be engaged, concerned, yet at peace, humble, joyful? Lord, show me your heart in this. show me how to be me in way that is honoring to you. help me to cling to hope.
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