things I've learned in 2009

2009 was a very full year for me, so I thought it'd be good to try to think through and articulate some of the lessons I've received in this past year.

1. Forgiveness can't fully happen until you've let yourself feel the weight of the hurt, anger, sadness or whatever it is you've felt from being wronged. If you try to "forgive and forget" before letting yourself truly feel, that person/those people/that event/those emotions will always have a hold on you and you won't really be able to let it go.

2. On that note, it's really okay to be mad, frustrated, sad, etc. It really is. Trying to talk yourself out of those feelings isn't helpful for you or anyone else. You can't deal with something while also denying its existence. And don't deny the existence of negative emotions. Your feelings matter. They're trying to tell you something, so pay attention.

3. Relationships that are able to persevere through hardship and differences are fueled by God's grace. In fact, they have God written all over them.

4. Growth can only happen when you take risks. Taking risks also means giving yourself room to make mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes. Actually, get used to it, because you will make mistakes. Lots of them. But you don't have to freak out about this, because God is in the business of making masterpieces out of broken pieces.

5. God heals and redeems. He really does. He is willing to touch all of those areas in your life that seem untouchable, unchangeable. There is Life in His touch.

6. Growing up and changing for the better is hard work. This can be exciting and terrifying simultaneously.

7. Time to laugh and play is SO important. Growing up doesn't mean you have to let go of all of the good parts of being a kid.

8. Lattes taste the best with soy milk.

I'm a porous mess sometimes
quick to feel anxious, panicked
slow to catch the emotions as they
leak all over you
all over us
drowing out progress
communication
unity
everything I want for us to have
yet everything
I seem to get in the way of.
if only to stay calm, collected
cool, dry
would figuring things out
flow along more seamlessly?
could dealing with uncertainty
be embraced
instead of feared?
how do I go about learning
how to hold it all together?
maybe my first priority
needs to be
to let myself be held
by the One who
will never turn away from me
as my weaknesses, insecurities
pour out.
for there, I am safe
there, I cannot hurt you
or exasperate you.
as trust and acceptance reign
fear and anxiety will be quick to dissolve.
Lord, please
with Your healing love
fill in the holes
fix the leaks
heal the emotions
that I may be a blessing
that I may be centered on You
on what is true, important
and to have clarity
on what is worth getting worked up about
and what is not.

God really is so cool...

Today at work I happened upon a very interesting conversation - one of my coworkers (one of the lead therapists) is a Christian and was ranting to two others about how she is really frustrated when she hears about how pastors will tell their church members that they should be content even when something bad is happening to them, and how the general idea that a good Christian should be happy all of the time is so frustrating, and how people have condemned her for the work she does.

Sometimes I forget the amazing things God has taught me about himself, and in moments like that I am so grateful to know what Jesus is really about...I just feel so deeply grateful to have a relationship with God who is so not like what a lot of churches make Him out to be, to serve a Lord who embraces me in my humanness and brokenness, who would never expect that I be happy 100% of the time. I love that He is SO real...I love that Jesus understood and understands that people have problems, that they have all kinds of needs, and that life is hard. I love that the church is a community of believers that all sin and struggle and cry and mess up and try and sometimes fail, that it is meant to a place for being real and for healing, and not for pretending everything is okay. Although I'm definitely tempted to keep things superficial sometimes, I'm so grateful that that's not how they're meant to be.

God is so good. I wanted to write this down here so that I'd be able to be reminded of this when I forget, which I'm prone to doing. It is so good to know Jesus.

fast cars & hot women

why are people okay with this association? with all of the craze behind movies like "fast and the furious" and games like "grand theft auto" I can't help but wonder. and sometimes, thinking about it can make me feel really angry.

a couple of weeks ago while waiting in line at CVS, my eyes were flooded with copies of the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated that were on display for everyone and their mothers and their little children to see. I'm still wrestling with what kind of emotional response is healthy for me to have in a moment like that. that day, the anger came quickly, and I wanted to yell, not at or to anyone in particular...women are NOT a sport, women are NOT something to possess, women are MORE THAN THEIR SEXUALITY, women are MORE than bodies. so much more.

the women/models/actresses who allow (no, invite) themselves to be objectified...I don't know how to feel about them either. a desire for holiness and purity can get mixed up with all sorts of envy and hatred and resentment pretty quick, towards women I don't even know...fallen, broken, lost women, just like me. do they not understand what they're doing? to others, to themselves?

I don't want to feel so grieved or angry like this for the rest of my life. but it can be so upsetting, so easy to feel hopeless. we as a culture, as people, are so far from where we're supposed to be.

sometimes I really do long for heaven. this oppressive mess can be so emotionally and psychologically tiring. when I'm "strong" enough to not feel emotional about things, it seems more like I'm just not engaged with it, nonchalant, passive. how to be engaged, concerned, yet at peace, humble, joyful? Lord, show me your heart in this. show me how to be me in way that is honoring to you. help me to cling to hope.

sometimes the waves bring you so
close
and other times gravity seems to push you
back, back, back
until I can't see, can't feel your presence anymore.
your love seems to drift in
and out
accordingly

pulling at my heart strings...

http://www.nhi.org/online/issues/125/fostercare.html
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/04/11/MNGPH63KM31.DTL

I'm starting to feel so deeply about issues related to foster care that I wonder if God is leading me in that direction somehow...

questioning myself, inspired by Ultimate Frisbee

Yesterday, I tagged along to the Ultimate Frisbee playing with Darren with guys (and occasionally girls) from church yesterday. I wasn't planning to play, though I was in work-out clothes to be ready to go to the gym as soon as Christina was ready. I actually jumped right into playing, and wasn't too into it at first cause I was just learning the rules, and know that I'm not that great an athlete to begin with so I wasn't going to try very hard. With each game I played, I got more and more into it, and started to really get a work out. It was a lot of fun! More fun than just excercising on an elliptical machine at the gym, for sure. I wasn't very good, but fortunately it didn't matter. However, as I got into it, I also ate it a couple of times - once while trying to closely guard someone from the other team and I fell on the floor and scratched up my knee and my left palm, which started bleeding, and another time when I went for the frisbee in the end zone but it was too far, leaving me with enough momentum to very un-gracefully crash into the fence and scrape up my arm a little. Ouch! But it was funny. I had a great time, it was really cathartic.

What was interesting about this getting scraped up stuff was that it made me realize something kind of deep, an issue I didn't even really know I had - I'm afraid of getting my body scratched up in ways that may look unattractive, and in general, I'm afraid of being unfeminine! What the heck, right? I think it has something to do with being made fun of when I was younger for having very pale legs, and obvious marks all over them from an outdoorsy childhood. Have I given up running around and playing because of some sort of internalized fear about my appearance? Thinking about this also made me remember how I've wanted to learn to play guitar many times in my life, but every time I've started, I've remembered that it's going to give me calloused fingers and will require me to keep my nails short, and I decide not to learn. I've often been complimented on my "nice, soft, feminine hands" and maybe I just didn't want to mess with that by learning to play guitar. Why have I never questioned this in myself? I wonder what else I've held myself back from learning or experiencing simply because of a concern for my appearance/some internalized notion about what it is to be a "girl" or a "woman."

Since this has come up, I've realized in this small way just how much I may box myself into things. It seems learning new things and experiencing new things makes me happy, brings joy and excitement to my life, and I don't want to hold myself back from these things anymore because of any internalized worldly standards about things. Ultimately, it's up to me to find out what I like or don't like, what's my thing and what isn't - I want to try more things and be less afraid of the consequences, you know? I want to learn to not feel like I have to control my life. It's weird how that works for me, because I often feel driven to control things/situations/relationships in order to make life more easy for myself, to be able to maximize my happiness, when it seems like it's that drivenness that often thwarts my happiness, that chokes out opportunities for me to be stretched and to grow as a result, to learn how to really rely on God, to be a true blessing to others.

Oh God, forgive me for ways I've historically been more concerned with my appearance and how others think of me more than on my internal states, on my character, on becoming a more loving, humble, patient, gentle person. Help me to rely on you in all things, and especially in this new thing I've realized about myself - that I don't entirely know what it means for me to be a woman and how that should influence my life and decisions, how I should feel about myself as a woman. I pray that you give me the courage to explore new things and to open myself up to new experiences and people, opportunities for you to minister to me in new ways, opportunities for me to learn who it is you've created me to be, opportunities for me to learn to live abundantly in your love and truth.