Two days ago, I was contacted regarding a position I applied for about a month ago, a position that I remember thinking that I was pretty good for and really might have a chance at: a "family service and support center screener," a position that would give me a ton of exposure and experience with a family services environment. While getting lots of actual contact with clients, it seems that it would also not betoo overwhelming, as it's more of a go-between, intake position rather than one that does the actual case management, teaching, or counseling (at least as far as I know). A great entry-level opportunity, and I'm really excited about the chance to interview for it.
The interview is set for next thursday, so I have until then to learn everything I can about the organization and to...gain some confidence in my Spanish-speaking ability. Understandably, they want someone who is a fluent Spanish speaker, who can also read and write in Spanish. This has been a pretty common requirement or preference for jobs I've come across and have been interested in, which makes sense given the whole wanting to work in a community-based Los Angeles organization thing. I've applied to several of these jobs, figuring that I'd deal with the Spanish part of things once the time comes to be dealing with it. Now that I have an interview for a job that specifically needs someone who is fluent in Spanish, the pressure is on.
Here's my situation with Spanish: I have a very bicultural (multicultural, really) and bilingual background, as my mom is 100% colombiana and my Jewish-American dad speaks great Spanish, having studied abroad in Colombia, met my mom there, and then lived there for a few years before and after marrying my mom there. I was actually born in Colombia, but we moved to the U.S. when I was less than a year old. My growing up years have been in Los Angeles, including being part of a Spanish church congregation from when I was 6-12 or so, and my mom has always spoken to me in Spanish, so I've had a ton of exposure to the language. I can confidently say that I understand Spanish really well, and through Spanish classes in high school and college, I also know that I can read and write in SpanishSwell (though it takes me a while, and I often need to have a good Spanish-English dictionary nearby for reference).
So what's the problem? The problem is that I have trouble thinking of myself as a true bilingual because I've very infrequently spoken Spanish to or with anyone - all of my life, my mom has spoken to me in Spanish, while I have responded in English (I wish that my parents hadn't let me get away with that). When I do try to speak Spanish, I often feel really awkward, like a little kid, fumbling for words, not able to make normal conversation naturally, though there have been instances (such as during LAUP and while on a mission trip to Mexico) that after praying for God's presence to be with me, I've felt less self-conscious and more able to converse freely. This does mean there's hope, and I've always known that - I know that if I were to be put into a Spanish-filled environment where I have no choice but to use Spanish if I want to communicate with someone, as time would go on, fluency would come, and I also know that this is an area of my life that God could really touch, freeing me up to use this second language He's given me to be able to love and serve so many more people.
I really want to be fluent in Spanish. I really want to be someone who can take risks, even if it makes her look awkward and unintelligent. I don't want to find personal worth in sounding "respectable." I want to have such a heart for people that a love for being a help to them will outweigh my insecurities and any sense in which I want to prove my Latinidad through speaking perfect Spanish (I am half Latina and that's just the truth, I don't have to prove that to anybody, including myself). I hope I can remember all of this. At least I have it all written down here to remind myself of it...
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