I would say that, to a certain degree, I've always been kinda health-conscious. From time to time I've felt motivated to watch what I eat more, and to be intentional about getting some exercise. However, I've also always been plagued with fears about caring too much about being fit. In a society that places so much emphasis on appearance, it's been hard at times to feel like my motivations to work out are only health-related, isolated from the desire to look good. My solution for this, then, has often been to try not to pay too much attention, and I end up exercising intentionally very infrequently. Not real smart, I know.
Now that I've had a lot of time on my hands post-graduation, health & fitness has been something I've been thinking about quite a bit, trying to process my mixed feelings about it. I think it makes sense that thoughts about this have ended up coinciding with feeling drawn to being a more disciplined person in general - more disciplined in prayer and more disciplined and self-controlled in handling my emotions well, in particular. Taking care of the physical aspect of "you" is definitely a discipline, the kind of thing that you do because you know the outcome is good, not because you know that you will necessarily enjoy the time and sweat (literally or figuratively, depending) that the activity requires. There's a certain kind of faith you have to have in pursuing a discipline. With prayer, this is clear, as you wouldn't be committed to praying if you felt like no one was listening, or like praying wasn't somehow helping you to grow in character (or that any of the other various things the Bible says about prayer is true). To be disciplined in handling my emotions well, I have to have faith that putting that work in to stay calm and patient will in turn allow for more peace, love, intimacy, and understanding with whoever it is I'm interacting with.
With exercising, many people put in that work primarily because they know they will look and feel more toned and will look and feel more attractive, as a result. Although the whole being more toned/attractive thing is a natural by-product of taking care of your body, what I'm wanting to do is to stay aware of the less visible health benefits, such as the fact that I'm actively taking care of my heart, I'm releasing stress, and I'm producing feel-good, balancing hormones, which in turn allows me to feel more happy, energetic, etc. As I've come to try to embrace fitness for its health benefits these past couple of weeks, it's felt really good to put effort into respecting my body this way, especially as I've had such a weird relationship with it in the past (it's hard being a woman and having a healthy relationship with your own body, let me tell you). There's a way that in caring for my health, I feel like I can more easily respect myself, in general, which seems to be another nice byproduct of developing discipline of any kind - you learn to have more respect for yourself. (More and more, I feel like humans are made for work and productivity - something about making healthy goals and meeting them just feels amazing. Of course, I strongly believe that humans are also made for relationships, though there are definite ways that work fits into that paradigm, too, i.e. the work of praying and developing your character. What humans don't seem to be made for is leisure. Interesting.....a different thought for a different time, maybe.)
Anyway, today I actually had a great time at the gym - the mirrors and people checking themselves out thing plus the whole being out of shape thing has prevented me from enjoying myself too much before, but now that I've gone a couple of times, I'm starting to feel the fruit of that - my body feels stronger, and I can persevere for longer without feeling like I want to punch someone in the face (yeah, I've hated it that much before.)(actually, I'm probably exaggerating). Today I did 15 minutes on the elliptical and 10 minutes on the stairmaster, I am so proud of myself. on the walk home (2 blocks away)., I got to thinking...this whole going to the free city gym while I'm a resident thing will work for now, but how will I keep this up once I've moved (most likely to the South LA area sometime this fall)? Is having a gym membership an unnecessary luxury or something worth investing in if I can afford it? How would I be sure to exercise 2-3 times a week otherwise? These thoughts remind me of how I'm going to have a lot of future decisions about how I'll spend my money and time, and some of them might be really difficult...oh gosh, I'm sure there's a lot about how you spend (or don't spend your money) that is a discipline in itself. So much to explore and learn these next couple of years...
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