It's been years since I've written in an online journal. years and years. but I've been feeling the itch lately - and so now I might experiment a little.
I feel a lot of feelings these days. being a children's therapist, joining and walking alongside with kids and families who are struggling emotionally, relationally, economically, has been no cake walk. it gets to me some days, a lot. sometimes what gets to me most is the privilege that it is to be privy to such meaningful details of people's lives, thoughts, feelings, longings, fears, anxieties. I'm sometimes blown away by what I get to do, by the resilience I see, by the honesty and courage that I get to bear witness to, by how, by some mystery, I am allowed in. But sometimes it hurts, feeling so limited in how I can help, or feeling worried that I really can't help. it's been such a process of learning to trust in the Lord to do the deeper work, and to just invite Him into my artless (but not heartless) efforts. a process very much still in process.
so here I am, trying to rediscover an old coping skill: typing up my feelings. trying to somehow convert angst and longings into words on a screen so that I can process what is running through my heart and mind in an external but reflective way, one in which I don't have to worry about overburdening someone with my feelings or questions, but where if someone wants to know or wants to talk to me about something, they can, and are welcomed to... because in the end, nothing can replace the power of a face to face, heart to heart or whatnot. but I think that the process of gathering my thoughts, of trying to carefully choose words that can capture something on my heart that I'm not quite ready to just converse about, has merit for somebody like me. so here I am. at least for the moment.
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