if only to walk in love...

things I've learned in 2009

2010-01-02T10:27:00.001-08:00

2009 was a very full year for me, so I thought it'd be good to try to think through and articulate some of the lessons I've received in this past year.

1. Forgiveness can't fully happen until you've let yourself feel the weight of the hurt, anger, sadness or whatever it is you've felt from being wronged. If you try to "forgive and forget" before letting yourself truly feel, that person/those people/that event/those emotions will always have a hold on you and you won't really be able to let it go.

2. On that note, it's really okay to be mad, frustrated, sad, etc. It really is. Trying to talk yourself out of those feelings isn't helpful for you or anyone else. You can't deal with something while also denying its existence. And don't deny the existence of negative emotions. Your feelings matter. They're trying to tell you something, so pay attention.

3. Relationships that are able to persevere through hardship and differences are fueled by God's grace. In fact, they have God written all over them.

4. Growth can only happen when you take risks. Taking risks also means giving yourself room to make mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes. Actually, get used to it, because you will make mistakes. Lots of them. But you don't have to freak out about this, because God is in the business of making masterpieces out of broken pieces.

5. God heals and redeems. He really does. He is willing to touch all of those areas in your life that seem untouchable, unchangeable. There is Life in His touch.

6. Growing up and changing for the better is hard work. This can be exciting and terrifying simultaneously.

7. Time to laugh and play is SO important. Growing up doesn't mean you have to let go of all of the good parts of being a kid.

8. Lattes taste the best with soy milk.

2009-07-17T10:17:00.001-07:00

I'm a porous mess sometimes
quick to feel anxious, panicked
slow to catch the emotions as they
leak all over you
all over us
drowing out progress
communication
unity
everything I want for us to have
yet everything
I seem to get in the way of.
if only to stay calm, collected
cool, dry
would figuring things out
flow along more seamlessly?
could dealing with uncertainty
be embraced
instead of feared?
how do I go about learning
how to hold it all together?
maybe my first priority
needs to be
to let myself be held
by the One who
will never turn away from me
as my weaknesses, insecurities
pour out.
for there, I am safe
there, I cannot hurt you
or exasperate you.
as trust and acceptance reign
fear and anxiety will be quick to dissolve.
Lord, please
with Your healing love
fill in the holes
fix the leaks
heal the emotions
that I may be a blessing
that I may be centered on You
on what is true, important
and to have clarity
on what is worth getting worked up about
and what is not.

God really is so cool...

2009-04-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

Today at work I happened upon a very interesting conversation - one of my coworkers (one of the lead therapists) is a Christian and was ranting to two others about how she is really frustrated when she hears about how pastors will tell their church members that they should be content even when something bad is happening to them, and how the general idea that a good Christian should be happy all of the time is so frustrating, and how people have condemned her for the work she does.

Sometimes I forget the amazing things God has taught me about himself, and in moments like that I am so grateful to know what Jesus is really about...I just feel so deeply grateful to have a relationship with God who is so not like what a lot of churches make Him out to be, to serve a Lord who embraces me in my humanness and brokenness, who would never expect that I be happy 100% of the time. I love that He is SO real...I love that Jesus understood and understands that people have problems, that they have all kinds of needs, and that life is hard. I love that the church is a community of believers that all sin and struggle and cry and mess up and try and sometimes fail, that it is meant to a place for being real and for healing, and not for pretending everything is okay. Although I'm definitely tempted to keep things superficial sometimes, I'm so grateful that that's not how they're meant to be.

God is so good. I wanted to write this down here so that I'd be able to be reminded of this when I forget, which I'm prone to doing. It is so good to know Jesus.

fast cars & hot women

2009-04-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

why are people okay with this association? with all of the craze behind movies like "fast and the furious" and games like "grand theft auto" I can't help but wonder. and sometimes, thinking about it can make me feel really angry.

a couple of weeks ago while waiting in line at CVS, my eyes were flooded with copies of the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated that were on display for everyone and their mothers and their little children to see. I'm still wrestling with what kind of emotional response is healthy for me to have in a moment like that. that day, the anger came quickly, and I wanted to yell, not at or to anyone in particular...women are NOT a sport, women are NOT something to possess, women are MORE THAN THEIR SEXUALITY, women are MORE than bodies. so much more.

the women/models/actresses who allow (no, invite) themselves to be objectified...I don't know how to feel about them either. a desire for holiness and purity can get mixed up with all sorts of envy and hatred and resentment pretty quick, towards women I don't even know...fallen, broken, lost women, just like me. do they not understand what they're doing? to others, to themselves?

I don't want to feel so grieved or angry like this for the rest of my life. but it can be so upsetting, so easy to feel hopeless. we as a culture, as people, are so far from where we're supposed to be.

sometimes I really do long for heaven. this oppressive mess can be so emotionally and psychologically tiring. when I'm "strong" enough to not feel emotional about things, it seems more like I'm just not engaged with it, nonchalant, passive. how to be engaged, concerned, yet at peace, humble, joyful? Lord, show me your heart in this. show me how to be me in way that is honoring to you. help me to cling to hope.

2009-03-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes the waves bring you so
close
and other times gravity seems to push you
back, back, back
until I can't see, can't feel your presence anymore.
your love seems to drift in
and out
accordingly

pulling at my heart strings...

2009-03-17T16:11:00.001-07:00

http://www.nhi.org/online/issues/125/fostercare.html
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/04/11/MNGPH63KM31.DTL

I'm starting to feel so deeply about issues related to foster care that I wonder if God is leading me in that direction somehow...

questioning myself, inspired by Ultimate Frisbee

2009-03-09T13:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I tagged along to the Ultimate Frisbee playing with Darren with guys (and occasionally girls) from church yesterday. I wasn't planning to play, though I was in work-out clothes to be ready to go to the gym as soon as Christina was ready. I actually jumped right into playing, and wasn't too into it at first cause I was just learning the rules, and know that I'm not that great an athlete to begin with so I wasn't going to try very hard. With each game I played, I got more and more into it, and started to really get a work out. It was a lot of fun! More fun than just excercising on an elliptical machine at the gym, for sure. I wasn't very good, but fortunately it didn't matter. However, as I got into it, I also ate it a couple of times - once while trying to closely guard someone from the other team and I fell on the floor and scratched up my knee and my left palm, which started bleeding, and another time when I went for the frisbee in the end zone but it was too far, leaving me with enough momentum to very un-gracefully crash into the fence and scrape up my arm a little. Ouch! But it was funny. I had a great time, it was really cathartic.

What was interesting about this getting scraped up stuff was that it made me realize something kind of deep, an issue I didn't even really know I had - I'm afraid of getting my body scratched up in ways that may look unattractive, and in general, I'm afraid of being unfeminine! What the heck, right? I think it has something to do with being made fun of when I was younger for having very pale legs, and obvious marks all over them from an outdoorsy childhood. Have I given up running around and playing because of some sort of internalized fear about my appearance? Thinking about this also made me remember how I've wanted to learn to play guitar many times in my life, but every time I've started, I've remembered that it's going to give me calloused fingers and will require me to keep my nails short, and I decide not to learn. I've often been complimented on my "nice, soft, feminine hands" and maybe I just didn't want to mess with that by learning to play guitar. Why have I never questioned this in myself? I wonder what else I've held myself back from learning or experiencing simply because of a concern for my appearance/some internalized notion about what it is to be a "girl" or a "woman."

Since this has come up, I've realized in this small way just how much I may box myself into things. It seems learning new things and experiencing new things makes me happy, brings joy and excitement to my life, and I don't want to hold myself back from these things anymore because of any internalized worldly standards about things. Ultimately, it's up to me to find out what I like or don't like, what's my thing and what isn't - I want to try more things and be less afraid of the consequences, you know? I want to learn to not feel like I have to control my life. It's weird how that works for me, because I often feel driven to control things/situations/relationships in order to make life more easy for myself, to be able to maximize my happiness, when it seems like it's that drivenness that often thwarts my happiness, that chokes out opportunities for me to be stretched and to grow as a result, to learn how to really rely on God, to be a true blessing to others.

Oh God, forgive me for ways I've historically been more concerned with my appearance and how others think of me more than on my internal states, on my character, on becoming a more loving, humble, patient, gentle person. Help me to rely on you in all things, and especially in this new thing I've realized about myself - that I don't entirely know what it means for me to be a woman and how that should influence my life and decisions, how I should feel about myself as a woman. I pray that you give me the courage to explore new things and to open myself up to new experiences and people, opportunities for you to minister to me in new ways, opportunities for me to learn who it is you've created me to be, opportunities for me to learn to live abundantly in your love and truth.

2009-01-28T14:04:00.000-08:00

I am 22 going on 23 in a couple of months.
My life is like a blank canvas, with opportunities to do and experience so much.
This should be exciting, but sometimes it just intimidates me.
I don't know what to draw on this canvas.
I feel like I should know myself better, know my style better, before I put myself out there on the canvas for all the world to see.
But I also know that it's as I draw, as I step out that this process of knowing myself better will really get going.
I think I'm afraid of making any particular stroke on the canvas, lest it end up being a mistake and being un-doable, or at least if it's not a mistake, that what ends up on th canvas just isn't beautiful.
I want to have a beautiful life. I guess I just don't feel convinced that I can produce such a life.
Maybe that's why I am to hand the pencil, the brush over to the Artist.
But how exactly do I do this? How do I act courageously while putting my confidence in Him?
Can I trust that God wants to make a masterpiece out of my life?
Even with my stray marks and any well-intended but naive decisions?
Do I truly believe in a Lord who can redeem?
Do I trust Him with my life, with my heart?
Can I believe that He truly wants to make me and my life into something really good?
I want to. Oh Lord, how I want to.
Please help me to keep my eyes off of me, off of the darkness around me, off of the blank canvas, and onto you and your love and your glory.
Only then will I find hope, freedom, peace, joy.....and for these things I long so desperately.
I know it's ultimately up to me to paint this picture.
God, would you be my inspiration? Would you allow your colors, your life, your love, to flow through me to be displayed on my canvas?
I know I'll be okay if whatever ends up on my canvas is of You.

2009-01-12T21:09:00.000-08:00

like a flower that carefully opens its petals, one by one
only to have its vulnerability abused
harsh rays of light pounding with a paralyzing heat
in a matter of moments the moisture is drained
the once vibrant petals wilted
and they fall off, one by one...

after two months of job seeking...an interview!

2008-08-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, I was contacted regarding a position I applied for about a month ago, a position that I remember thinking that I was pretty good for and really might have a chance at: a "family service and support center screener," a position that would give me a ton of exposure and experience with a family services environment. While getting lots of actual contact with clients, it seems that it would also not betoo overwhelming, as it's more of a go-between, intake position rather than one that does the actual case management, teaching, or counseling (at least as far as I know). A great entry-level opportunity, and I'm really excited about the chance to interview for it.

The interview is set for next thursday, so I have until then to learn everything I can about the organization and to...gain some confidence in my Spanish-speaking ability. Understandably, they want someone who is a fluent Spanish speaker, who can also read and write in Spanish. This has been a pretty common requirement or preference for jobs I've come across and have been interested in, which makes sense given the whole wanting to work in a community-based Los Angeles organization thing. I've applied to several of these jobs, figuring that I'd deal with the Spanish part of things once the time comes to be dealing with it. Now that I have an interview for a job that specifically needs someone who is fluent in Spanish, the pressure is on.

Here's my situation with Spanish: I have a very bicultural (multicultural, really) and bilingual background, as my mom is 100% colombiana and my Jewish-American dad speaks great Spanish, having studied abroad in Colombia, met my mom there, and then lived there for a few years before and after marrying my mom there. I was actually born in Colombia, but we moved to the U.S. when I was less than a year old. My growing up years have been in Los Angeles, including being part of a Spanish church congregation from when I was 6-12 or so, and my mom has always spoken to me in Spanish, so I've had a ton of exposure to the language. I can confidently say that I understand Spanish really well, and through Spanish classes in high school and college, I also know that I can read and write in SpanishSwell (though it takes me a while, and I often need to have a good Spanish-English dictionary nearby for reference).

So what's the problem? The problem is that I have trouble thinking of myself as a true bilingual because I've very infrequently spoken Spanish to or with anyone - all of my life, my mom has spoken to me in Spanish, while I have responded in English (I wish that my parents hadn't let me get away with that). When I do try to speak Spanish, I often feel really awkward, like a little kid, fumbling for words, not able to make normal conversation naturally, though there have been instances (such as during LAUP and while on a mission trip to Mexico) that after praying for God's presence to be with me, I've felt less self-conscious and more able to converse freely. This does mean there's hope, and I've always known that - I know that if I were to be put into a Spanish-filled environment where I have no choice but to use Spanish if I want to communicate with someone, as time would go on, fluency would come, and I also know that this is an area of my life that God could really touch, freeing me up to use this second language He's given me to be able to love and serve so many more people.

I really want to be fluent in Spanish. I really want to be someone who can take risks, even if it makes her look awkward and unintelligent. I don't want to find personal worth in sounding "respectable." I want to have such a heart for people that a love for being a help to them will outweigh my insecurities and any sense in which I want to prove my Latinidad through speaking perfect Spanish (I am half Latina and that's just the truth, I don't have to prove that to anybody, including myself). I hope I can remember all of this. At least I have it all written down here to remind myself of it...

fitness, discipline, etc...

2008-08-15T19:06:00.000-07:00

I would say that, to a certain degree, I've always been kinda health-conscious. From time to time I've felt motivated to watch what I eat more, and to be intentional about getting some exercise. However, I've also always been plagued with fears about caring too much about being fit. In a society that places so much emphasis on appearance, it's been hard at times to feel like my motivations to work out are only health-related, isolated from the desire to look good. My solution for this, then, has often been to try not to pay too much attention, and I end up exercising intentionally very infrequently. Not real smart, I know.

Now that I've had a lot of time on my hands post-graduation, health & fitness has been something I've been thinking about quite a bit, trying to process my mixed feelings about it. I think it makes sense that thoughts about this have ended up coinciding with feeling drawn to being a more disciplined person in general - more disciplined in prayer and more disciplined and self-controlled in handling my emotions well, in particular. Taking care of the physical aspect of "you" is definitely a discipline, the kind of thing that you do because you know the outcome is good, not because you know that you will necessarily enjoy the time and sweat (literally or figuratively, depending) that the activity requires. There's a certain kind of faith you have to have in pursuing a discipline. With prayer, this is clear, as you wouldn't be committed to praying if you felt like no one was listening, or like praying wasn't somehow helping you to grow in character (or that any of the other various things the Bible says about prayer is true). To be disciplined in handling my emotions well, I have to have faith that putting that work in to stay calm and patient will in turn allow for more peace, love, intimacy, and understanding with whoever it is I'm interacting with.

With exercising, many people put in that work primarily because they know they will look and feel more toned and will look and feel more attractive, as a result. Although the whole being more toned/attractive thing is a natural by-product of taking care of your body, what I'm wanting to do is to stay aware of the less visible health benefits, such as the fact that I'm actively taking care of my heart, I'm releasing stress, and I'm producing feel-good, balancing hormones, which in turn allows me to feel more happy, energetic, etc. As I've come to try to embrace fitness for its health benefits these past couple of weeks, it's felt really good to put effort into respecting my body this way, especially as I've had such a weird relationship with it in the past (it's hard being a woman and having a healthy relationship with your own body, let me tell you). There's a way that in caring for my health, I feel like I can more easily respect myself, in general, which seems to be another nice byproduct of developing discipline of any kind - you learn to have more respect for yourself. (More and more, I feel like humans are made for work and productivity - something about making healthy goals and meeting them just feels amazing. Of course, I strongly believe that humans are also made for relationships, though there are definite ways that work fits into that paradigm, too, i.e. the work of praying and developing your character. What humans don't seem to be made for is leisure. Interesting.....a different thought for a different time, maybe.)

Anyway, today I actually had a great time at the gym - the mirrors and people checking themselves out thing plus the whole being out of shape thing has prevented me from enjoying myself too much before, but now that I've gone a couple of times, I'm starting to feel the fruit of that - my body feels stronger, and I can persevere for longer without feeling like I want to punch someone in the face (yeah, I've hated it that much before.)(actually, I'm probably exaggerating). Today I did 15 minutes on the elliptical and 10 minutes on the stairmaster, I am so proud of myself. on the walk home (2 blocks away)., I got to thinking...this whole going to the free city gym while I'm a resident thing will work for now, but how will I keep this up once I've moved (most likely to the South LA area sometime this fall)? Is having a gym membership an unnecessary luxury or something worth investing in if I can afford it? How would I be sure to exercise 2-3 times a week otherwise? These thoughts remind me of how I'm going to have a lot of future decisions about how I'll spend my money and time, and some of them might be really difficult...oh gosh, I'm sure there's a lot about how you spend (or don't spend your money) that is a discipline in itself. So much to explore and learn these next couple of years...

trying to figure out why I don't like The Dark Knight

2008-08-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

I saw The Dark Knight yesterday, and it's still on my mind. My initial feelings about it were pretty intensely against it. Thinking about it now, I think that I just felt really shaken. The fact that the movie was able to shake me that way is pretty impressive, I think it definitely points to something about that movie being really well done. To give credit where it's due, this movie was really fascinating, with really interesting, well developed characters, incredible acting, amazing special effects, etc.

However, maybe it's that I was feeling especially sensitive yesterday, or something, but the movie just felt like too much. It was too demented, too dark. I think what troubled me most while I sat there watching it was realizing that there's something about the shock value of horrifying stories and images that's actually attractive to us. What is it that attracts us to movies like The Dark Knight? What's with the morbid fascination with the Joker? Why are we so impressed by the amount of horrific mayhem the Joker is able to carry out without the bat of an eyelash? There's essentially no humanity left in him, something that to me, feels really scary. The extent to which we are privy to all the details of his schemes seems to cross a line to me, pressing dangerously close to glorifying evil and not simply showing it as a part of reality.

Moreover, I think that the kinds of issues presented in TDK were just depressing to me. City dynamics, crime, murder, mental illness...these are all things I personally really care about and am trying to learn to have hope about. If anything, maybe this movie was an exaggerated glimpse of the evil that inhabits the city - if there is anything that's real in Gotham City, it's evil and corruption. In the real world, there is definitely evil. But there is also God, and love, and hope, and redemption, and healing. Maybe 2.5 hours stuck in a godless and hopeless world where faith is dependent only on flawed people and structures (under the false impression that they are perfect) was just too much for me. Furthermore, Batman, the guy who is supposed to be the good guy, had very little redemptive influence in the movie for me. (spoiler: The people on the boats who didn't go through with blowing each other up and the prisoner guy who threw the remote out the window, though...that I really did appreciate.)

I'm glad I watched it, to know what all the hullaballoo was about. But I really can't say that I liked it. Entertaining, sure. Good for my heart? Not so much. The past couple of months have been full of me really trying to approach my moviewatching (and song listening, book reading, etc.) with as much discernment as possible, trying to avoid the whole mindless entertainment thing (which I'm really starting to believe can't be real good for anyone's well being, anyway). Along with that, though, has come a lot of confusing feelings about what is honoring to God to think about and watch and listen to, etc., if that can be different from person to person, and so on. I think it's become something I'm really interested in and care about on both a spiritual and psychological level. I still have a lot to feel and sort and pray through, but I'm sure life will present me with lots of opportunities to keep on processing this kind of thing.

a fresh start

2008-08-03T22:47:00.000-07:00

I've had my share of blogs/online journals in the past. First it was scribble.nu in late middle school, which most certainly doesn't exist anymore (my journal disappeared along with the entire scribble.nu site once it went down), then blogspot for a short stunt during early high school, then the livejournal era (mostly my junior year of high school, though I still update with some private posts occasionally), followed by xanga, my blogging home since around senior of high school and into my college years. My online journaling life has dwindled quite drastically during the past two years or so, probably the combination of being writing-ed out thanks to my college classes and having close friends around to talk to consistently.

Now that many of these close friends are in very different parts of the city or state (interesting, all my close friends still live in California at this point) and in anticipating how much harder it will be to keep in touch with people once we're all working and whatnot, having somewhere to post periodic updates on my life seems to make sense.

Besides that, starting a new blog at this point in my life seems right, somehow. As I'm transitioning into post-college life, I'm also transitioning into what it means to be an adult, and I know that will imply a lot of sorting through my past experiences, current feelings, values, opinions, and so on. It's an exciting time, I would say, and I think it will do me a lot of good to be self-reflective and to get a sense of how God is working in my life and in my thoughts through trying to express what's going on for me in words. I know that's going to be a challenge at times, but I'm up for it. Here's to learning to live in love and truth and to learning how to trust in God more fully with every step...and to relearn how to express myself in writing.